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FUBAR Script (Revision 1)



SHEPPARD AFB (likely not gonna actually use Sheppard because government) stands baked in Texas heat. shimmering from a distance like a bad dream trying to rid itself of reality.



LIEUTENANT PISSANTE stalks the line of men in front of him. He paces while effectively screaming at them. The four men, and one woman, in front of him stare straight ahead at full attention.

LIEUTENANT PISSANTE You hear that boys? That screaming of afterburners from those T-38's? You hear it?

FIVE MEN (IN UNISON) Yes Lieutenant!

LIEUTENANT PISSANTE Good! Because that, is the sound of pussy engines! That is the sound of training! You think that because you made it through Boot Camp and Tech that you get to sit in a fucking big boy plane?!

FIVE MEN (IN UNISON) No Lieutenant!

LIEUTENANT PISSANTE Good! Because you're not even fit to fly a suicide mission at this point! There is nobody on this godforsaken base that is as disposable to airplanes as you six are! That sorry twat who cleans your fucking windshield has more use to a multi million dollar piece of tech than any one of you! However, I understand that you lot want to be pilots, that you have learned, grown and structured up together -



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PRIVATE STILLBECK wanders to his bunk after coming off of latrine duty all night. He stumbles to his bunk and begins unlacing his shoes. His bunkmate above him drops an arm in front of him with a crumpled set of bills in hand.

PRIVATE OAK looks down at him and motions for him to take it.

PRIVATE STILLBECK I told you I would do it.

STILLBECK takes the money and counts it.

PRIVATE OAK Well, to be fair there was a hope that you wouldn't do it.

PRIVATE STILLBECK Yeah, I know I'm aware. But you made one mistake.

PRIVATE OAK Which is...?

PRIVATE STILLBECK Picking the craftiest private in theses barracks to take you up on that dare.

PRIVATE OAK Dare? This isn't high school Ryan.

PRIVATE STILLBECK Out of everyone in these barracks, if there is one person still stuck in high school mode; it's you and your hormones.

PRIVATE OAK That reminds me...

PRIVATE STILLBECK Jesus Christ OAK, can you not be horny for like, I don't know, one fucking night?

PRIVATE OAK You only attend Boot Camp once Ryan. Might as well get the use out of it.


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PRIVATE STILLBECK Right, maybe use this time to, pfffft I don't know, learn something? Develop interpersonal skills, learn diagnostics, combat training?

PRIVATE OAK ... How is sex not interpersonal skill development?

PRIVATE STILLBECK Oak, go to sleep. Or go relieve STANTON, god knows he could use the sleep.

PRIVATE OAK Relieve Stanton... Now there's an idea...




LIEUTENANT PISSANTE - And that's good as well. Because this time, these lessons will push you as a team. As people and as officers, you will learn how to lean on the man next to you and develop relations and learn everything about each other -



Stillbeck stares at the bottom of Oak's bunk as she snores above him. PRIVATE STANTON walks in and starts undressing at the bunk across from him.

PRIVATE STILLBECK Can you fucking believe her? Snores all night, wants to fuck everything with a pulse, has the intelligence of a Detroit ghetto student and the aspirations of a Madonna wannabe.

Stanton seems unaware of his whispered complaining from his bunkmate. He quietly continues undressing, almost ignoring


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PRIVATE STILLBECK Yo, you hearing me Stanton?


PRIVATE STILLBECK Hey! Pay attention to me man. Trying to start a conversation here.

Stanton sits down on his bunk and looks at Stillbeck.


PRIVATE STILLBECK Thank you. As I was saying about this apparent behemoth above me-

PRIVATE STANTON Stillbeck. Not only do I not care, but it's three in the morning. We have to be awake in 3 hours for drill.

PRIVATE STILLBECK You know it's rude to interrupt.

Stillbeck turns over and tries to sleep. Stanton stares a while longer before turning over himself and attempting the same.

Oak snores even louder.



LIEUTENANT PISSANTE - and that will come with some uncomfortable territory. Inevitably, you will learn everything. The most private moments are found when within an inch of death. And you twats are about to be within a centimeter of it. Now, you all know each other fairly well at this point, and you may be thinking "what the blue Kentucky fuck is this handsome man on about?", well I'm glad you asked. I am Lieutenant Pissante, but you already knew that.


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You will come to know me as your quality control officer. I will physically, emotionally and fucking psychologically evaluate you as you continue training and learning how to fly these fantastic machines of destruction and engineering. Sound good?


Yes sir!

LIEUTENANT PISSANTE Fantastic! Report to the Flight Wing at 1400, twats! You will come to understand the inner workings of this machine, and you will play your role, but for now you will have to make do with sucking up to your soon to be introduced superior officers. Sergeant, the men are yours!

Lieutenant Pissante begins walking away, lighting a cigarette and taking his phone out of his pocket.


RYAN STILLBECK (O.S.) Lieutenant, sir.

Lieutenant Pissante stops and turns around as an out of breath Stillbeck saunters up to him and salutes.

LIEUTENANT PISSANTE Stillbeck is it? What could you possibly want after you just received a Disney mainstream movie release amount of an explanation.

RYAN STILLBECK Sir, I was just wondering, what are the odds that all 7 of us are getting to be in the same wing?

LIEUTENANT PISSANTE ... Have you been in the Air Force five minutes Stillbeck?


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RYAN STILLBECK No, sir. It's just, well you mentioned that we will come to know each other intimately and well frankly -

LIEUTENANT PISSANTE Stillbeck, if this is gonna be what I think it is, let me save you some trouble. Nobody here is going to give two fucks that you stuck your tiny cock inside one of these six people. Long as you can keep your emotions out of it.

RYAN STILLBECK How did you know-

LIEUTENANT PISSANTE Because I've been in this Air Force for ten minutes. Now get your shit together, talk to your potential future wingmen and fuck off.

Pissante begins walking away.

RYAN STILLBECK 1400, sir. I'll be there completely willing and ready, sir!

LIEUTENANT PISSANTE (Without turning around) Stick the nose back in your own airspace Stillbeck. I don't give a fuck how much smarter you think you are than the rest of them.

RYAN STILLBECK (under his breath) Glad to see not much changes when you become an officer. Would've expected more respect but hey you gotta take what life gives ya right.

Stillbeck begins walking back to the group as they discuss how to kill the next four hours of time.

ANTHONY STANTON There's not much to do here, it's the middle of buttfuck nowhere Texas.


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AMETHYST OAK Speak for yourself, surrounded by testosterone fueled barracks, very few officers and four full hours to kill? How could a girl resist.

RYAN STILLBECK You know Oak, once just once-

AMETHYST OAK Oh whatever, you're just mad because Coffe has a bigger dick than you.

GEORGE COFFE Hey man, some guys got it, some guys don-

RYAN STILLBECK Yeah okay Coffe, nobody asked for your input, yeah.

Coffe bristles but keeps quiet as Amethyst walks away from the group with Stanton close behind. They fall to talking as the remaining four decide what to do.

RYAN STILLBECK There but for the grace of God...

RYAN EDWARDS dude, you've gotta stop with the pretentious shit talking.

RYAN STILLBECK Oh, no please I'm so sorry Edwards, I'm sorry that I scored superior on all of the testing. It must be my imagination, because we all know who scored the highest, right? Oh right, it was me.

GEORGE COFFE Was, being the operative word there. You know statistically-

RYAN STILLBECK Coffe, let me get a word in edgewise please. Fuck.

RYAN EDWARDS All I'm saying is that eventually you're going to turn people on you and


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no one is going to want to work with you or get to know you.

RYAN STILLBECK Edwards, this is the military. They don't really have a choice.

An awkward silence broken only by background planes and crickets ensues. The first one to break the silence draws a lot of attention.

GEORGE COFFE You know, there's a bar here that serves officers only.

RYAN EDWARDS Yeah lets try that.



A young attractive bartender looks as the four men walk in and begin taking seats.

BARTENDER Sorry fellas, I'm just here for setup right now. No alcohol serving until after 1800 right now.

RYAN STILLBECK What a great plan you two. We really showed ourselves a good time.

REED BECKETT Stillbeck, find silence. Ma'am, is there anything at all, a few beers or anything on the lower end that can just assist us in shaving a few hours time?

BARTENDER Sorry fellas, doesn't matter how high ranking you are. If you're not here for a reservation than you're not here to get drinks until after 1800. Sorry.

REED BECKETT Reservation? Oh, by god Coffe you forgot to inform her of our reservation? Ma'am, I believe there is


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a misunderstanding then. Whomever you're setting up for, let us wash away that sweat and worry, we are the awaited party.

She regards each of them before leaning on the counter.

BARTENDER you're Wing Commander Paul Franz? The German?

REED BECKETT (after some silence) well, I grew up elsewhere obviously but-

BARTENDER Looks guys, I get that there's not much to do here. I'm a lawyer for Christsakes, I work here to alleviate my boredom in this town. But, you have to follow the rules same as anyone. you're welcome to sit here and gander, but drinks will have to be sought elsewhere.

REED BECKETT (quietly and low) I can not believe I was just rejected a simple drink! an officer and a British man?! I'ts-it-it-it's simply astonishing to me!

BARTENDER You're a lousy whisperer. And that accent does not sound any better quiet than it did audibly.

Beckett sputters and stands and begins walking out,

RYAN STILLBECK Wait, you said elsewhere. There's other bars open at 1300?

BARTENDER Honey, this is Texas. The only people more bored than you is the poor assholes who live here.

The men exchange glaces and smile to each other.


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The five men and one woman sit at a long table in a silent room as Lieutenant Pissante scrolls through his phone waiting. a few awkward coughs and hiccups later the door opens to LT. COLONEL WILLIAM MACKENNAN


The group jumps up confused and Stillbeck crashes to the floor in a loud tumble. Oak thrusts out her chest way more than necessary, Coffe salutes, Beckett remains seated and the other two exchange confused glances that only an alcohol fed buzz could conjure.

COLONEL MACKENNAN The fuck you saying attention for? This is the strategy and screening room not the palace of the fucking Tsar of Russia. Sit down you morons.

The group reluctantly and slowly find their seats again, Oak remains standing.

COLONEL MACKENNAN Kid, you can take a seat. (he turns to Pissante) I did ask why the fuck they were at attention right?

AMETHYST OAK Sir, I just want to say what an honor it is to be here. As a woman, I feel as though I am standing where very few have stood and I hope to make those few proud.

COLONEL MACKENNAN (after a fair awkward silence) So you just want to make those few proud? Not your parents, or superiors or wingmen? Fuck those people it's all about you women? Is that what you're saying.

Beckett snorts and the group remains quiet. Oak looks around for support without turning her head but slowly sits back down.


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REED BECKETT Sir, if I may, what I believe she was trying to enunciate-

COLONEL MACKENNAN Right, let me stop you right there Boston Tea Party witness, I get what she was saying. Misguided and poorly timed is not a substitute for idiocy and before you ride in on your white horse like sir fucking Lancelot you'd do well to remember that. Clear?

REED BECKETT (quietly) Crystal.

COLONEL MACKENNAN Good. Oak, I appreciate the effort, but for the sake of sparing your fellow officers from escalating a shitshow already, save your fucking shit for later. Yeah?

AMETHYST OAK (quietly) Yes sir.

COLONEL MACKENNAN Good. Now you five, as sorry as you look; will be introduced to your training officers today. We will go over basic expectations, run you through a basic curriculum of air maneuverability and strategic planning. All five of you are expected to over achieve as all five of you have expressed a desire for combat effectiveness and jet assignments.

RYAN STILLBECK sir, yes sir!!

COLONEL MACKENNAN (after an intense silence) That wasn't a fucking question or a reminder. Report to Pissante after briefing for disciplinary action.


Yes sir!


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COLONEL MACKENNAN You know what fuck this. All of you will report to Pissante. I can smell the fucking bourbon and wine from here. What you thought an hour of walking would get that smell of of ya, no! How fucking stupid are you?

The group regards each other as Stanton and Oak exchange the knowing glance that only sobriety could conjure up.

AMETHYST OAK Sir, if I may, Stanton and I had no part in drinking with these other four men-

COLONEL MACKENNAN Pipe down Madam Oak I can smell the testoserone and cunt sweat on ya from the parking lot.

The other four talk amongst themselves quietly.

COLONEL MACKENNAN Is this fucking grade school?! You talk like men and officers you dummbasses! We're in the same FUCKING ROOM!

RYAN EDWARDS sir, if I may say so -

COLONEL MACKENNAN yeah, go right ahead and say.

RYAN EDWARDS We were under the impression that we were not cleared to fly yet. So we thought that a little drinking wouldn't hurt anyone.


RYAN EDWARDS Well no sir but we thought today was more briefing than flying.


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COLONEL MACKENNAN Well no shit! You figured it out! Wow, you thought you were gonna be given the stick based on what I led with?!

The group exchange glances again.

RYAN STILLBECK Well I can't speak for them but I did score rather highly on all of my testing, sir. I can proudly say I believe my trainer will agree that I will be ready before these five.

COLONEL MACKENNAN This coming from the guy who fell down when asked to come to attention?

RYAN STILLBECK Well... You caught me by surprise, but I get never get caught by surprise a second time sir!

COLONEL MACKENNAN (after a moment) I don 't even have the proper words to summarize my disappointment in what you just said. The invasion of Iraq? Vietnam? 9/11? All of those things gave me more confidence in the military than that sentence right there. You need help.

The door opens and three training officers walk in and stand at the front of the room next to MacKennan.

COLONEL MACKENNAN Speaking of help.

GEORGE COFFE (whispering) Is that a racial thing?

RYAN EDWARDS (whispering) Probably. Let's just wait and see before we say anything.

COLONEL MACKENNAN Here are your instructors. Gentleman -


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RYAN STILLBECK And, uh... Lady.

COLONEL MACKENNAN - and if you interrupt me one more time Stillbeck I will hang you by your testicles to the back of my car and pour exhaust fumes up your ass until you get colon cancer. As I was saying, these three men are your instructors. THOMAS NORRIS, SAUL MODESTA and PETER SEERS.

GEORGE COFFE (whispering) No women instructors? Really, in this day and age?

RYAN EDWARDS Well, on the bright side they're not all white. Points where applicable.

COLONEL MACKENNAN These men will come to be your new best friends. And your worst enemies. They will push you to improve, they will expose your weaknesses-

AMETHYST OAK (under her breath) Oh yeah, expose me.

COLONEL MACKENNAN - they will make you into the best pilots we can possibly make you. Based on what I've seen, they got their work cut out for them. Modesta, you have the room, I'm gonna go get a drink before I have an aneurysm.

RYAN STILLBECK Wait, how come we get busted for drinking before a briefing but -

SAUL MODESTA Kid, this is the military. It's not equal footing and right now you're about two sentences away from causing the colonel here to bash your brains in with his flight gear.


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RYAN STILLBECK Didn't we fight to make things more equal?

SAUL MODESTA One sentence.

Silences fills the room as Stillbeck and MacKennan lock eyes and engage in an unspoken war of entitlement versus experience. The intense frown worn by MacKennan eventually wears him down.

RYAN STILLBECK Shutting up sir.

COLONEL MACKENNAN And not a moment too soon. Lieutenant Piss-Ant, with me. We need to speak.

LIEUTENANT PISSANTE (under his breath) It's pronounced Pea-San-Tay. You bald fuck.

SAUL MODESTA Alright, let's go ahead and clear the air on some things. First; we have access to your test scores, none of you impressed us. Least of all, Stillbeck -

RYAN STILLBECK Hey now wait a -

SAUL MODESTA - and since that is the case. You all have been assigned to one of us three instructors due to your varying levels of skill and abilities. Second; the only way to improve is to acknowledge your shortcomings and be open to criticism. Something, that if you do not already possess, will be browbeaten into you by every facet of this program. If you can't take criticism, you will not pass the more difficult tests.

THOMAS NORRIS You'd be lucky to pass a single one of the tests as it is. We're here to push


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you so hard -

AMETHYST OAK (under her breath) Oh god yes.

THOMAS NORRIS - and fast you won't even know his ass from your elbow by day 2. But, that's why we do it, right? To prove we're better, to prove we're above the rest and that we go above and beyond, literally and figuratively. Yeah?!



PETER SEERS That was rhetorical. The fact that the last sentence of that went so far over your heads is astonishing.

SAUL MODESTA Astonishing? I was gonna say it was sad.

THOMAS NORRIS I was gonna say they needed a minute but not even Stillbeck picked up on it.

RYAN STILLBECK Why am I being singled out?

THOMAS NORRIS You guys hear that ? Sounded like a complaint.

RYAN STILLBECK You're damn right it was a complaint! First you say I had the lowest test scores, than you accuse me of not getting the joke, although it was so painfully unfunny I don't see that as a downside. I don't have to sit here and take this!


The three instructors stare Stillbeck down for a few moments. Stillbeck slowly lowers his eyes and stares at the table in


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front of him.

SAUL MODESTA So, did that sound less stupid when you came up with the 'I'm such a rebellious badass' scenario in you head? Because to me, it sounded like another complaint.

THOMAS NORRIS Sure as fuck sounded like a complaint to me too.

PETER SEERS Complaint? I was gonna say bitching.

RYAN EDWARDS (whispering) Can we still use that phrase in this year?

GEORGE COFFE (whispering) Absolutely not, it's incredibly offensive to Oak!

RYAN EDWARDS Yeah, that's messed up man, we need to be able to stand up for people, ya know?

GEORGE COFFE (whispering) Yeah, she obviously needs our help in this situation since she isn't saying anything when she obviously should!

Oak, oblivious to the men beside her, is still staring intensely at Norris and curling her hair around her finger.

RYAN EDWARDS (whispering) Unbelievable man. WE need to be aware.

GEORGE COFFE (whsierping) Hell yeah, let's just wait and see -

SAUL MODESTA Coffe, Edwards. You clear?


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RYAN EDWARDS Uh, yes sir! Clear as crystal... Valley... Lake.

PETER SEERS Alright, so what the fuck did he just say?

GEORGE COFFE That um... That Stillbeck got lower scores than us, sir!

SAUL MODESTA Right, anyway that was a while ago. We were discussing the third thing, which is which instructor-

REED BECKETT That each of us will be assigned to, the Major was quite eloquent and I'm frankly embarassed for the lot of us that you failed to keep up with that little bit of information.

GEORGE COFFE Alright you Redcoat, I hardly think -

SAUL MODESTA - you will be assigned to yes. Thank you, Ricky Gervais's somehow uglier cousin.

REED BECKETT Not a prob... lem...

SAUL MODESTA Yes, you were just insulted and interrupted. It's annoying innit?

REED BECKETT Not as annoying as a man of Latin descent saying 'innit'. Honestly -

RYAN EDWARDS Wow! Beckett, you can't turn this into a racial thing just at the drop of a hat! He's within his right to say 'innit' if he wants to! His people have earned that!


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SAUL MODESTA My people have-

RYAN EDWARDS Major, please!

GEORGE COFFE Seriously Beckett, you think this is funny? You can't just do that!

REED BECKETT You what? So you can appropriate my slang but I can't appropriate his because, why?

ANTHONY STANTON Because you're white, okay. There's a whole connotation problem here. When he does it, it's almost like social recompense, when you do it. Well, it's just appropriation.



REED BECKETT Preposterous! That's not what I'm saying! What I'm saying is if this is truly a question of racial equality than I have every right to use that word as he does the word 'innit'. It's not a question of semantics.

AMETHYST OAK I think it's okay to use the word 'Hispanic' when referencing the major here.

RYAN STILLBECK Oh wow, okay! Let's all just throw out racist terms here then, what's next?

REED BECKETT Well, you could call Norris a 'cracker'.

THOMAS NORRIS No, that one's okay.




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An awkward silence ensues as Modesta looks around the room.

SAUL MODESTA Okay. Ignoring the obvious litany of problems that we could delve into here.Let's get back on track. Edwards, Stillbeck you will be training under myself. Oak, you are training under Seers. Beckett and Coffe, you are assigned to Norris-

AMETHYST OAK (breathy whisper) goddamn it.

SAUL MODESTA - report back here at 1800 for official briefing, dismissed.

The three instructors immediately exit the room and stand outside the door while the five remaining talk among themselves.


SAUL MODESTA What the fuck was that?

THOMAS NORRIS Uh, by my count; a group of narcissists who have no idea what they've gotten into. Or how they lucked into it.

SAUL MODESTA They're gonna die. That's it. I'm calling it.

Saul walks away mumbling to himself.


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THOMAS NORRIS Pete. Penny for your thoughts.

PETER SEERS They're worth at least five dollars.

Norris hands him a crumpled five dollar bill.

PETER SEERS Saul is right.

Seers begins walking away after Modesta.

THOMAS NORRIS Really? Five bucks for an agreement?

Norris walks after the other two men.


The five young men and women talk among themselves, both confused, enraged and slightly hungover.

RYAN EDWARDS Hey Stillbeck, thoughts?


REED BECKETT None of you back me up, unbelievable. Right lot of twats.

GEORGE COFFE Well, at least we all know one thing for sure. No one is more disappointed in ourselves and our assigned mentors, than Oak is.











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MacKennan sits at the bar by himself, drinking an old fashioned and reading. The three instructors wander up and Norris drops a challenge coin onto the bar. Seers drops his, MacKennan without looking drops his and Modesta forgets.

SAUL MODESTA fuck all three of you.


Even me?

SAUL MODESTA All two of you.



Modesta tosses a few bills on the bar and the men order.

COLONEL MACKENNAN So, what do we make of those five.

PETER SEERS Problematic, nothing we haven't seen before.

THOMAS NORRIS Problematic, but definitely to a degree we haven't seen before.


The three other men look over to him with confused faces.

SAUL MODESTA What? Narcissism can be tuned into focus. They could potentially be really good pilots. Frustrating and out of line is something we all did when we were in their shoes.



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THOMAS NORRIS Yeah, I don't think I brought up a racist topic while interrupting my superior officers. Pete?

Seers shakes his head and Norris claps him on the back.

THOMAS NORRIS Good talk, Pete.

COLONEL MACKENNAN Consider my faith in these five, very tepid.

SAUL MODESTA We'll see, I have faith in them.

COLONEL MACKENNAN Faith doesn't fly jet planes. And it sure as shit doesn't fill my confidence.

The four officers drown the last of their drinks, tap them on the counter twice and leave.


End Title appears on screen:

END TITLE FUBAR Epiode 1: Meet the Heroes

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